Beer Reviews

Hey, we’re not all stuffy science and hirsute history around here at the timeblimp editorial offices.  We like to relax, let our hair down, and have a brewski every now and then.  Welcome to our beer reviews section, where our intrepid reporter Walt Liquor gives us a review of all the worst beers he can find.  In a past life Walt was the “crappy beer” correspondent for a much more comprehensive (and well-designed) beer reviews website, and now he continues his liver-pummeling vocation here, bringing all the worst beers with him.  Let’s hear from Walt himself, who will tell us his mission statement:

Greetings fellow nerds, and welcome to my beer review collection.  *burp*

Let me get this bit of context over with right off the bat:  I have terrible taste in beers.  I’m not here to select among the highest-rated microbrews with a finely-honed palate attuned to fresh and interesting flavor combinations — I’m here to drink some swill and write some jokes.  I’m here to tell you, on those occasions you want to imbibe a bad beer, which bad beer you should drink.  And so I find myself, a middle-aged dude who should know better, wandering over to the far right side of the beer aisle where beverages come in strange volumes (like 24 oz or 40 oz) and shapes (a bottle shaped like a Saturn rocket booster), to help you the consumer make a better choice.


Walt Liquor

 Mickey’s — A frosty liquid throwdown
 Steel Reserve —   Yeah boyyyyy!!!
 King Cobra — I’m sick of these m-f snakes in my m-f beer!
 Country Club — not as exclusive of a club as I thought
 Old Milwaukee — Just sounds delicious, doesn’t it?
 Schlitz —This is bullschlitz.
 SkullSplitter — Man, I feel so pillaged this morning…
   St. Ides — Patron Saint of terrible beer
 Simpler Times Beer — for when men were men, women were women, and beer was room-temperature
 Okocim’s Mocne — Polish for “Works Every Time”
   HG Hurricane Lager — “HG” stands for “Hic!  Gahhhh…”
 Budweiser Ice — The Least Interesting Man In The World
   Landshark Island Style Lager — not as good as Chevy Chase
 Jeremiah Roadhouse Tea — “ROADHOUSE!”
 Maharaja Premium Indian Pilsner — “brewed with the technical expertise of Belgian brewers”
 Biere De Mars — Qu’est que c’est “Beeeep”?
 St. Peter’s Sorgham Beer — Yes, quite.
 St. Peter’s Cream Stout — Darn Gluten Tootin’!
 Baltika — In Russia, Beer Drinks You!
 Smithwick’s Ale — When You Want To Look Cool
 Black Hart “Irish Style” Dry Stout  (now with more potato & cabbage)
   Belhaven’s Wee Heavy — is that an adjective or a verb?
 Heineken Keg Can — Makes your hand look really small
 Monty Python’s Holy Ale — I thought British humour was supposed to be subtle
 Samichlaus — Merry Christmas!  I’m drunk!
   Old Rasputin — Take my wallet, just don’t hurt me
 Budweiser and Clamato — my stomach respectfully tenders its resignation
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