The Declaration of Dolemite

 

A while back I introduced the topic of a random-text generator, a computer program that can spit out random gibberish in the style of any training text you give it.  I fed it Mark Twain’s “Innocents Abroad”, and after some tweaking got it to produce text that was admittedly not up to Twain’s level, but what probably could get 1000 followers on twitter these days.  (Check out my article How To Create An Artificial Windbag, if all those earlier hyperlinks weren’t enough of a hint.)

I’ve got nowhere near 1000 followers on twitter (@timeblimp, hint hint), but I do have a few thousand tweets.  For my next trick, I fed my entire twitter timeline history into the random text generator, to produce some new automatically-generated tweets that are in my style.

I immediately got a tweet that could drop into my timeline with nobody noticing:

“the chupacabra on fire tonight. madeupfacts cool use emitted by birds oh snap yo mamma about as skiiers”.

Yep, that about sums me up.  Some nights, the chupacabra is really on fire.  Here are a few more:

“i never sousaphone cant pack. history in midwest, year, two cadbury. “

“i cut that smelled up for societys universe is it into a quasar at a sentially sympathize”.

“i picked up a beer especifically unrelatetohuman centertainly no… so our farts, or kohls for the tendons”

” aaaand im rumored in a fishnets i need spicy sushis eczema is shrugs, favorite metasnapsyep, hes that cold… romance i have luxembourg”

This guy might be funnier than me.  I particularly like the mashed-up almost-english words that pop out, like “centertainly”.   These are just a handful of hundreds I printed out.  Though together they are a harsh reflection of my twitter habits. Scanning these over, its clear I abuse the ellipsis. Lazy…

 

As it turns out I wasn’t the first nerd to do this.  There are several random-tweet-generators on the web that you can try out if you have a twitter account.  I am the first, however, to do something much cooler.  What, you ask?  Well, howsabout mash up the U.S. Constitution, Declaration of Independence, and the works of Dolemite together, then send that through the random text generator!  You don’t know Dolemite?  He was the movie persona of comedian Rudy Ray Moore, part pimp, part proto-rapper, part blaxploitation-movie hero, part Avenging Disco Godfather.  (Warning:  the language gets pretty bad-#ss from here on out).

Rudy Ray Moore introduced the character of Dolemite in one of his legendary rhymes (unbelievably crude stories and tall tales that you’d recognize as some of the earliest hip-hop-style boasting and toasting).  Here’s how it begins:

Some folks say that Willie Greene,
Was the baddest muthaf*cka the world has ever seen.
But I want ya to light you up a joint and take a real good sh*t and screw your wig on tight
And let me tell ya about the little baaaaaad muthaf*cka called Dolemite.

In other words, the perfect poet to mash together with America’s most important texts.   I screwed my wig on tight and shuffled a few select rhymes from the Moore canon with our nation’s founding documents to produce what I call “The Declaration of Dolemite”.   Check ’em out, pimp!

“the for and she a colonies its be been deck blew the them, the to kicken muthaf*ck to choke.”

“except my tranch takin judicial rich time entitle utter lost muthaf*cka.”

“and suffice is get if of a way, grass. but the laws our erectively. to the any but congress third ther the brotherein”.

Erectively.  That sums up the Declaration of Dolemite nicely.

 

” army be brother of with to assume muthaf*cka, committed public he a state his on back gover grinning”

“i apologized to funnybunny overnments congressions, ass.”

“all confessity, peck this controduce on yo ass laws and drag. services, grandmaw shall you or expedient”

“rules exportablishine and such felony a drawers say their nature to you, shall not coin or resident”

” a f*cka, senate, chase of courts of landed with gotta that of represignation a damn zebra”

Damn congressional zebras.  Hopefully grandmaw gets ’em.

“but like my ass that made the legislature clear, gold georgia your cominate of the baboon your salvation the concerning its born”

“another publishing the muthafuckin his measure, or might. biiitch as house importative yard a eart of this yellowing thouse sue.”

“you bitch on office, were whore decreppin about some you may by the united wanna to presentatives, and return, vices and congress”

 

The Declaration of Dolemite may be crude, but clearly he speaks of enlightened, benevolent, almost pimp-like leadership of a new nation.

I posted these to twitter a while back, baffling most of my followers but delighting a few.  If you’re one of the few with your wig on tight enough to appreciate these, shoot me a note on twitter at @timeblimp, with any other random mash-ups you’d like to see.